Peter
Kay One Liners
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
said Thyroid
problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new
bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one
and asked
him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get
my wife to go
swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
I don't get
on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any
time', So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
By-pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened
criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of
different names.
But
one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones
may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which
is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you
better have
a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be
enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they
made out of
meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
nervous and
give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me
neither.
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay
away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same
time. I think
I've forgotten this before.
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub
is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete
stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really
manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or
not to have a
fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would
kill you at
the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee,
flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who
has had
their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
putting it
in a fruit salad.
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the
way down to
the core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your
bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through
mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in
France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I
think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes
out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom
is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a
'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell
you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
