Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint.
>>Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".
>>
>>"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly.
>>"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
>>
>>You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
>>
>>"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
>>
>>"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
>>
>>******************************************
>>
>>Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
>>
>>After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the
large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
>>
>>"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked
>>
>>"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied,
>>
>>"How does it work?"
>>
>>"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an

     ear- shattering  blow with an unpadded hammer.
>>
>>Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 

    "For, *****sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing

       morning!!"
>>
>>*************************************
>>
>>Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a 

    spanner."
      A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You

        b*stard!"

     The  judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death  with a spanner."
>>
>>Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "

    You  ****ing   b*stard!!!"
>>
>>The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom,  and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt!

   Now what is the problem?"
>>
>>Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded,

   "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"